Hey Up Mum …

How is life up there on your cloud?

Can you remember Monkey Magic [ how could you forget it was Mark & I favourite programme! ] Well that’s how I like to envisage  you … zapping around on your super-powered – all singing -all dancing cloud

It’s been a funny old year. My 50th and your 75th year – the BIG one’s that we had discussed and made plans for on numerous occasions has turned into a bit of a ‘shit show’

Life as we know it is on hold and we are currently confined to our houses while a virus named Covid-19 runs amok around the whole world . Don’t worry we are allowed out once a day so your faithful [ and naughty] pal Mollie gets a good walk and a swim.

For the most part it feels surreal as though we are living in one of those Sci-fi films we both loved to watch so much. Perhaps that’s why I’m coping so well with the current situation, because when you died that’s what it felt like. Surreal, alien … the only difference is back then I didn’t want to go out

I still hate it that you are not here mum … my loss may seem a-little lighter but I still carry it around with me. Sometimes I’ll put it down , forget about it for a while but never leave without forgetting to pick it back up. I  guess it isn’t as raw as it was in 2017 but I still wake and sometimes as my dreams momentarily run over into real life – I forget you are no longer here. The ache I feel when I realise you are only  ‘alive’ in my dreams never gets any easier to digest.

During lockdown these dreams are becoming more vivid , more frequent and I welcome them wholeheartedly . What I don’t welcome are the places I find myself returning too due to my own over-thinking, the ones I’d rather not revisit. The dark places that live buried in my subconscious

could we have done more?

did you suffer ?

It’s the only thing I’m finding difficult about lockdown ; the time to dwell on the negative, the ‘what  ifs’ … You would no doubt laugh, shake it off and say “if if and ands where pots and pans Tracey ”

The palliative care nurses told me they believed your hearing was the last of your senses  to ‘go’ I’m still not sure to this day whether this is true and if it is whether you found my actions comforting or torturous All the hours I sat singing Chris Farlows ‘Out of a Touch’ to you or giving you running commentary  on ‘Homes Under the Hammer’ just so you knew I was there . It’s funny the places your mind wanders back too isn’t it ? Its drifting back to those times a lot. Our last days together, your last days in hospital … the ones where I never left your side because I was terrified you would die alone. I wasn’t having that. I wanted to protect and comfort you just like you had done for me so many , many times. Most of all I wanted you to live

I miss everything about you Mum – your silly sense of humour, your welcoming smile at the kitchen window , our daft dance sessions and Saturday morning coffee dates. Mostly I just miss you being there – at the end of the phone, or a 5 minute drive-away.

These are the memories and parts of you  I carry around in my heart, the things I am thankful for, along with your wedding ring which I wear everyday. It’s only been off a couple of times and that’s only because I’ve somehow removed it in my sleep . I wake up , have a moment of sheer panic, followed by a mad scramble for 5 minutes. It’s always there right under my pillow …

From writing my blog and the numerous messages I receive I realise that not everyone has / or had such an amazing relationship with their mum as I did with you. Mum and a Best Friend. It is testimony to you that I am here , the strong woman I am today. Slightly bonkers at times but hey ho like mother like daughter

You’ll be happy to hear that during the last year there have been some really good times ; I never thought I’d say that …”I’ve had an amazing life, surrounded by people I love”  you said during one of our last conversations “ Now you  go and live yours” Always the best daughter … I’m trying mum and for once I think I’m succeeding at something. I’m good at living !

I’ve not started that bloody book yet though ! Forever the procrastinator. I guess Somethings don’t change … but you already know that right because when you visit me in my dreams I always tell you “ I’ll start it tomorrow “💕

Love you to the moon & back

Forever Your little ‘knobhead’

Tracey x