MUSINGS | the poem

Morning ,

I’m posting something a bit different today …

Please bear with me and let me know what your think ; also let me explain.

I have mentioned this on previous occasions, so I’m sorry if you feel I am going over old ground; but there is not one day since we lost mum that I’ve not thought about her at some point . Sometimes it’s a fleeting memory and it disappears as quickly as it popped into my head. Sometimes my thoughts linger around for hours. Sometimes I remember and I smile , sometimes I’m reduced to tears.

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Instagram Finds…you’ll want to know about

Love it or hate it Instagram for the whole is a good place to be.

Little squares to inspire , or be inspired. A place to share your loves and your hates, your fashion finds, beauty essentials, interior goals… a place to be creative. To discover similar creatives…

Let’s just put to the back of our mind the people buying a following, the follow-unfollow game, the crazy algorithm [groan] and the swipe up facility that you can’t access or use until you reach 10k followers ? Why Instagram why?

As well as ‘meeting’ and getting to know some truly fabulous people , I’ve also discovered some really lovely small UK brands. Had it not been for Instagram I might not have done so.

I thought I’d share some of them with you today.

First up is a friend of mine that I didn’t actually discover on here [ little details eh ] we went to college together back in the day, but who you can find on Instagram here. Continue reading

Gone … but not forgotten. Mums cancer journey

I’ve ‘hummed and arrhhed’ about posting this for fear of offending people , for fear of coming across depressive. I’m not here to conform, and it is just my thoughts, my musings of the last few months.

I braved it and hit publish.

* * * * * * * *’

As regular readers  will be aware my mum died on July 10th 2017.

The official cause of death Endometrioid Carcinoma of the Upper Vagina and end stage Kidney Disease. 

I was there as she took her last breath.

Just like that … after 2 weeks in palliative care she gave up the good fight.

It took me a while to be able to say it and not feel terrible… but it was a relief.

To see somebody you love who had always been so active –  bed-bound and in pain, with no prospect of getting better is gut-wrenching. The helplessness you feel, the aching, the love, the anger, the sadness … it a real mix of emotion, it’s confusing.

It caused me anxiety, sleepless nights and pangs of guilt. Continue reading

Winter Sun Fun…

This year for all sorts of reasons , but mainly because non of us can face it without mum. We are going to leave on a jet plane and spend Christmas abroad somewhere hot.

Mum was our Christmas .

She was ‘Mrs Christmas’.

She adored it. She always had the best, most tastefully dressed tree [always red  and gold ], ensured the house was lit up like Blackpool, and her giddiness was infectious. Family was everything to mum and she ensured we always had the best time.

I tend to get my own way and have spent every single Christmas Day at Mum and Dads, bar one when I went to my ex-husbands house for Christmas lunch. I hated every single minute of it. Not because they did anything wrong, it just wasn’t the same without my mum around.

I’m positively dreading this year , the first year without her.

It’ll never be easy but I’m kinda guessing this year will be tough for us all. Firsts always are.

We [ dad, BF & brother] made a collective decision that this year we would take ourselves out of our usual surroundings and do something we’ve never done before. Hence a week abroad is on the cards. It’s new, there are no memories of mum there. [though I’m sure we will all be thinking about her.] It will still be absolutely gut wrenching her not being there with us …

I love Christmas but quite frankly this year I could take it or leave it.

So while I’d normally start looking for a warm, snug yet stylish outfit with an elasticated expanding waistband;  this year that will be substituted for a new bikini, sandals and a good false tan.  Continue reading

Goodbyes …

Today I thought I’d share my last tribute to mum with you. A letter I wrote that was actually read out at her ‘Celebration of Life Ceremony’ last Thursday.

People don’t tend to talk about these things and believe it or not I wasn’t going to share it  on here but my BF convinced me that I should.

I suppose in a way it is kind of fitting; you have shared this journey with us. You may even feel as though you knew mum from some of my stories I’ve shared.

I realise that for the past few months mum and her illness is seemingly all I have spoken about. It has in a way been like therapy for me. It’s seen me through.

While I will never ever stop talking about my beautiful mum I’m sure it will become less frequent… on here anyway.

The morning of the service itself was horrible; it rained, and rained and then some.

We woke up to no water courtesy of a burst water main , a bus jack-knived outside the house blocking our path out and then what should have been a 5 minute journey upto dads house took us over half an hour. I honestly  thought we would never get there.

We did . . . JUST!

The service itself was rather beautiful and uplifting . It wasn’t religious in anyway, something we all agreed on. It’s hard to believe in ‘anything’ especially after you’ve sat and witnessed Mum suffer and deteriorate the way she did towards the end.

Music came courtesy of Richard Clayderman ‘ Ballade Pour Adeline‘ , Bruno Mars ‘Talking to the Moon‘  , Eva Cassidy ‘Over the Rainbow‘ and D-Side ‘Real World

There was a very fitting poem ‘She is Gone’ with lots of time to reflect.

The rain even stopped.

So here goes . . .

 

Dear Mum,

On July 10th at 3.25pm you left us – after a long , brave fight you eventually let go. I was there by your side with dad, somewhere I feel I’ve always been.

At that precise moment my world turned upside down…

This letter is something I never thought I’d be writing, not so soon anyway. I write most days yet today I’m struggling to find the words. 

Thankyou for being the most amazing mum. THE BEST. You made it so easy to love you . I suppose that’s why it’s so extremely hard to let go, to say goodbye.

Goodbye is so final and I’m not ready. Continue reading

Little Steps …

As your probably aware it’s been a whole 4 days since I lost my beautiful mum. 4 days of walking around in a blur.

I’m trying to keep busy, not think too long or too hard. I mostly just feel numb and extremely sad. I cry randomly, my emotions are like a rollercoaster. I enjoy highs and I hit lows.

I want the world to stop. Why are people still laughing and enjoying themselves, don’t they realise my mums just died?  Why isn’t the nation in mourning? Everything is exactly the same as it was before only my mums not here ; my worlds been turned upside down. Nothing for our family will ever be the same again.

Everyday life doesn’t seem real, I have a constant ache in my stomach – it’s like I’ve been punched. I feel empty. Alone. Scared even … but as I’ve been told on numerous occasions “life goes on.”

So here I am, trying to ‘go on‘ little steps at a time … the only way I know how.

By writing.

By sharing …

I’ve started wearing mums wedding ring at all times, it brings me some comfort. She feels close.

I’m scared to death I’ll lose it so if you happen to bump into me and I’m constantly checking my right hand … it’s not some weird ailment. I’m just checking it’s still there.

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What will your dash say …

It’s been a funny old day…

Funerals make you reflective don’t they? They are beautiful , yet tremendously sad at the same time. We’ve been to say goodbye to one of my best friends mums today. It’s never easy but it was a lovely service . For me the Vicar summed it up perfectly – her words resonated. She said on your grave stone amongst other things will be engraved your date of birth – the day you departed  [for example 1928 – 2017] but oh what meaning that little dash holds. Make your dash as for-filled as possible.

She’s right isn’t she? That little dash represents your life. What will yours say? Continue reading