MUSINGS | the poem

Morning ,

I’m posting something a bit different today …

Please bear with me and let me know what your think ; also let me explain.

I have mentioned this on previous occasions, so I’m sorry if you feel I am going over old ground; but there is not one day since we lost mum that I’ve not thought about her at some point . Sometimes it’s a fleeting memory and it disappears as quickly as it popped into my head. Sometimes my thoughts linger around for hours. Sometimes I remember and I smile , sometimes I’m reduced to tears.

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Instagram Finds…you’ll want to know about

Love it or hate it Instagram for the whole is a good place to be.

Little squares to inspire , or be inspired. A place to share your loves and your hates, your fashion finds, beauty essentials, interior goals… a place to be creative. To discover similar creatives…

Let’s just put to the back of our mind the people buying a following, the follow-unfollow game, the crazy algorithm [groan] and the swipe up facility that you can’t access or use until you reach 10k followers ? Why Instagram why?

As well as ‘meeting’ and getting to know some truly fabulous people , I’ve also discovered some really lovely small UK brands. Had it not been for Instagram I might not have done so.

I thought I’d share some of them with you today.

First up is a friend of mine that I didn’t actually discover on here [ little details eh ] we went to college together back in the day, but who you can find on Instagram here. Continue reading

Gone … but not forgotten. Mums cancer journey

I’ve ‘hummed and arrhhed’ about posting this for fear of offending people , for fear of coming across depressive. I’m not here to conform, and it is just my thoughts, my musings of the last few months.

I braved it and hit publish.

* * * * * * * *’

As regular readers  will be aware my mum died on July 10th 2017.

The official cause of death Endometrioid Carcinoma of the Upper Vagina and end stage Kidney Disease. 

I was there as she took her last breath.

Just like that … after 2 weeks in palliative care she gave up the good fight.

It took me a while to be able to say it and not feel terrible… but it was a relief.

To see somebody you love who had always been so active –  bed-bound and in pain, with no prospect of getting better is gut-wrenching. The helplessness you feel, the aching, the love, the anger, the sadness … it a real mix of emotion, it’s confusing.

It caused me anxiety, sleepless nights and pangs of guilt. Continue reading

Winter Sun Fun…

This year for all sorts of reasons , but mainly because non of us can face it without mum. We are going to leave on a jet plane and spend Christmas abroad somewhere hot.

Mum was our Christmas .

She was ‘Mrs Christmas’.

She adored it. She always had the best, most tastefully dressed tree [always red  and gold ], ensured the house was lit up like Blackpool, and her giddiness was infectious. Family was everything to mum and she ensured we always had the best time.

I tend to get my own way and have spent every single Christmas Day at Mum and Dads, bar one when I went to my ex-husbands house for Christmas lunch. I hated every single minute of it. Not because they did anything wrong, it just wasn’t the same without my mum around.

I’m positively dreading this year , the first year without her.

It’ll never be easy but I’m kinda guessing this year will be tough for us all. Firsts always are.

We [ dad, BF & brother] made a collective decision that this year we would take ourselves out of our usual surroundings and do something we’ve never done before. Hence a week abroad is on the cards. It’s new, there are no memories of mum there. [though I’m sure we will all be thinking about her.] It will still be absolutely gut wrenching her not being there with us …

I love Christmas but quite frankly this year I could take it or leave it.

So while I’d normally start looking for a warm, snug yet stylish outfit with an elasticated expanding waistband;  this year that will be substituted for a new bikini, sandals and a good false tan.  Continue reading