Stay Gold …

“Nature’s first green is gold, her hardest hue to hold. Her early leafs a flower, but only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf, so Eden sank to grief. So dawn goes down to day, nothing gold can stay” Robert Frost

November nights are drawing in. It’s icy cold outside and dark by 4pm. Its officially ‘life by candle light’ time of year.

My favourite.

Don’t you think candle light makes everything look and feel so much more beautiful; magical even. It creates a lovely ambience

[ It drives the BF mental, plays on his chest apparently – an ailment that appears to effect a lot of men …. mmmm]

In a few weeks it will be joined by the glow of the Christmas tree, an angel and a single string of fairy lights that will dance around the fireplace.

Late afternoon everyday on channel 5 its Christmas movie-time. When I can, I make sure everything’s completed before I settle down with my coffee [ preferably loaded with Baileys // or Bally Castle the Aldi cheaper dupe ] and lose myself for an hour or so.

The living room descends into darkness, the flicker of candles and smell of coffee fills the air.

I melt into the arm chair, into pure escapism. I’m temporarily transported back. I’m a young, carefree girl and I believe. I believe in the magic of Christmas, I believe in Santa.

Gold.

I absolutely love Christmas; but this year I’m not running at it with my usual gusto. The usual excited anticipation has been replaced with a sense of the unexpected, dread even. Mums not here for the first time in my 46 years and the thought terrifies me.

I’m fading ,

tarnished…

I am however in my usual up-beat way going to try and enjoy the moments. Ok last week I had a major melt-down. Last week was a bastard. Last week reality hit me like a tonne of bricks and it hurt. A lot.

This is a new week.

A new mind-set.

My heart might not be in it but I intend to decorate the house, write the cards , eat the mince pies. Like I keep quoting … ‘stay gold’ Continue reading

Gone … but not forgotten. Mums cancer journey

I’ve ‘hummed and arrhhed’ about posting this for fear of offending people , for fear of coming across depressive. I’m not here to conform, and it is just my thoughts, my musings of the last few months.

I braved it and hit publish.

* * * * * * * *’

As regular readers  will be aware my mum died on July 10th 2017.

The official cause of death Endometrioid Carcinoma of the Upper Vagina and end stage Kidney Disease. 

I was there as she took her last breath.

Just like that … after 2 weeks in palliative care she gave up the good fight.

It took me a while to be able to say it and not feel terrible… but it was a relief.

To see somebody you love who had always been so active –  bed-bound and in pain, with no prospect of getting better is gut-wrenching. The helplessness you feel, the aching, the love, the anger, the sadness … it a real mix of emotion, it’s confusing.

It caused me anxiety, sleepless nights and pangs of guilt. Continue reading

Dear Mum …

I’ve started writing this letter a couple of times over the past week. Truth be known I didn’t  really know where to start.

You know me …

Head like scrambled eggs. 

Tendency to ramble. 

I suppose the beginning would be a good place. Tuesday 15th December 1970 at 6.15am when I popped into your world [like a little ray of sunshine] and you held me in your arms for the first time .

The first time I met you Mum. That special bond was set. Though of course I didn’t realise it at the time !
wpid-img_20150621_105944.jpg Continue reading

Life doesn’t come with a manual… it comes with a mother.

It’s Mother’s Day at the end of the month [ Sunday March 26th put it in the diary …I’m early 

This year I intend to make  Mother’s Day extra, extra special because she deserves it.

Then again don’t all mums?!

I count myself lucky as Mum and I have a special relationship and are extremely close.

Of course we sometimes disagree this isn’t a Disney film ,but the days of full on arguing [ I’m thinking of the 16 year old prepubescent Tracey days ] are over. Continue reading

Will You Not Be My Valentine…

I’m Tracey and I am a hopeless romantic…

As a youngster [ and then as not such a youngster] I loved a good romantic film – Dirty Dancing, Brief Encounter, The Way We Were … to name a few. I was also addicted to Dawsons Creek, the TV series not the wine!

I was a Joey and Pacey fan. I always found Dawson,as blokes go,a bit wet.

dawsons-creek-s4-edit

It portrayed young love so whimsically  yet as I learnt  it wasn’t remotely like that in reality ?! Not mine anyway.

Nobody ever crawled through my window late at night … you know just to lie next to me and talk because they couldn’t wait until the next day at school.

My dad would have strung them up for one…

Saying that…  I actually did have  somebody crawl through my window late at night once but only because I’d come home pissed,fell asleep and locked my brother out of the house. His small and flexible friend [ I think his nick-name was quite appropriately Monkey man] had to shimmy the wall and seeing my bedroom window was slightly a jar crawled through. Giving me a major heart attack in the process.

Nobody ever said anything remotely like this to me…

“Shes so beautiful that when you look at her your knees tremble, your heart melts and you know, without reservation, that there is order and meaning to the universe”

PACEY WITTER, “Cinderella Story” (2000)

Mine was more along these lines …

“You’re alreight you are, shall we grab some chips and cheese and maybe a cheeky snog?”

RANDOM BLOKE , Isabellas Night Club (2000) Continue reading