LIFE – Letters from Mum

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LETTERS FROM MUM

“I trace the line of each letter with my finger…

Absorbing every single word

I Imagine your face as you wrote each one; no doubt giggling at your own jokes

I smile … but at the same time a wave of heavy, sadness engulfs me and I can’t stop the tears.

Happy tears, sad tears , innocent tears for a time when I naively thought you’d be around forever .

I smell the paper; I’m disappointed that it doesn’t smell of you … year’s stored safely away in a Cigarette box has put pay to that.

I hold the letters against my heart and imagine that you are holding me

A part of you is etched on those precious pieces of paper. Conversations that can’t be erased . Words forever embedded in my heart “

I wrote this poem after I was approached by the lovely Emma from Inscripture to see whether I would like to collaborate with them and choose a piece of their beautiful jewellery.

After looking into the company I couldn’t say no.

It’s no ordinary jewellery … they take special words from letters, cards etc and engrave them onto jewellery –  ‘You live the moments, we create the memories’

It is a beautiful concept and something that would make a special keepsake / gift.

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Stay Gold …

“Nature’s first green is gold, her hardest hue to hold. Her early leafs a flower, but only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf, so Eden sank to grief. So dawn goes down to day, nothing gold can stay” Robert Frost

November nights are drawing in. It’s icy cold outside and dark by 4pm. Its officially ‘life by candle light’ time of year.

My favourite.

Don’t you think candle light makes everything look and feel so much more beautiful; magical even. It creates a lovely ambience

[ It drives the BF mental, plays on his chest apparently – an ailment that appears to effect a lot of men …. mmmm]

In a few weeks it will be joined by the glow of the Christmas tree, an angel and a single string of fairy lights that will dance around the fireplace.

Late afternoon everyday on channel 5 its Christmas movie-time. When I can, I make sure everything’s completed before I settle down with my coffee [ preferably loaded with Baileys // or Bally Castle the Aldi cheaper dupe ] and lose myself for an hour or so.

The living room descends into darkness, the flicker of candles and smell of coffee fills the air.

I melt into the arm chair, into pure escapism. I’m temporarily transported back. I’m a young, carefree girl and I believe. I believe in the magic of Christmas, I believe in Santa.

Gold.

I absolutely love Christmas; but this year I’m not running at it with my usual gusto. The usual excited anticipation has been replaced with a sense of the unexpected, dread even. Mums not here for the first time in my 46 years and the thought terrifies me.

I’m fading ,

tarnished…

I am however in my usual up-beat way going to try and enjoy the moments. Ok last week I had a major melt-down. Last week was a bastard. Last week reality hit me like a tonne of bricks and it hurt. A lot.

This is a new week.

A new mind-set.

My heart might not be in it but I intend to decorate the house, write the cards , eat the mince pies. Like I keep quoting … ‘stay gold’ Continue reading

Gone … but not forgotten. Mums cancer journey

I’ve ‘hummed and arrhhed’ about posting this for fear of offending people , for fear of coming across depressive. I’m not here to conform, and it is just my thoughts, my musings of the last few months.

I braved it and hit publish.

* * * * * * * *’

As regular readers  will be aware my mum died on July 10th 2017.

The official cause of death Endometrioid Carcinoma of the Upper Vagina and end stage Kidney Disease. 

I was there as she took her last breath.

Just like that … after 2 weeks in palliative care she gave up the good fight.

It took me a while to be able to say it and not feel terrible… but it was a relief.

To see somebody you love who had always been so active –  bed-bound and in pain, with no prospect of getting better is gut-wrenching. The helplessness you feel, the aching, the love, the anger, the sadness … it a real mix of emotion, it’s confusing.

It caused me anxiety, sleepless nights and pangs of guilt. Continue reading

Dear Mum …

I’ve started writing this letter a couple of times over the past week. Truth be known I didn’t  really know where to start.

You know me …

Head like scrambled eggs. 

Tendency to ramble. 

I suppose the beginning would be a good place. Tuesday 15th December 1970 at 6.15am when I popped into your world [like a little ray of sunshine] and you held me in your arms for the first time .

The first time I met you Mum. That special bond was set. Though of course I didn’t realise it at the time !
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Life doesn’t come with a manual… it comes with a mother.

It’s Mother’s Day at the end of the month [ Sunday March 26th put it in the diary …I’m early 

This year I intend to make  Mother’s Day extra, extra special because she deserves it.

Then again don’t all mums?!

I count myself lucky as Mum and I have a special relationship and are extremely close.

Of course we sometimes disagree this isn’t a Disney film ,but the days of full on arguing [ I’m thinking of the 16 year old prepubescent Tracey days ] are over. Continue reading