L I F E | grief diaries

July … what does it mean to you ?

For me it’s the start of a long hot summer [hopefully] alfresco ‘everything’ in the garden , weekends away, my best friends birthday.

It is also a painful reminder that in just a few days time, 2 years ago , my mum and best friend died.

July 10th at 3.40pm in palliative care with Dad & I sat by her bedside.

I’ll not lie I’m in a weird-ass mood

To the people who think I should man up and get on with it … “after all it has been 2 years now Tracey” [ Yes people have actually said that to me ] … I hope you grow to have a little compassion and understanding

Grief is a weird, complex journey. It is very different and personal for each one of us. I can’t just snap out of it, but please don’t think for one minute I sit suffocating in my own sadness and ‘pity-party’ because I really don’t.

I have unwillingly learnt to lead a life without my mum around. A little emptier maybe but my life is full of laughter, amazing friends, family , Mollie Dog , Frankie Cat … and plastic man called Kev [who has now upped ship and moved in with my friend Lisa]

There are plummeting lows but these are accompanied by terrific highs. That in part is thanks to my mum for loving me unconditionally, for bringing me up to be a strong woman . One of the last things she said to me is “you are my daughter and you are stronger than you ever imagined.”

And, as always, she was right.

I am.

I know social media [Instagram especially] is perceived as a place for positivity, a place to escape. If you have followed me for a while you will know I have always tried to make my ‘space‘ as real as I can without sending you into the realms of depression . I am like the bloody Shakespeare of social media!

Life is tiring enough without having to pretend everything is ok all the time ; because who am I trying to convince and more importantly why?

At this moment in time hand on heart I am happy but I am also carrying a sadness around with me. Maybe it’s not evident for all to see but if you look into my eyes they tell a whole different story

Right now I don’t know whether to stick the kettle on , walk the dog or burst into tears

Right now … I really want my mum

Tracey x

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* Bracelet was gifted to me by Inscripture . It is engraved with my mums handwriting which was taken from a letter she wrote to me while I was away at college.

2 thoughts on “L I F E | grief diaries

  1. Suzanne W says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Tracey and to anyone who thinks you should ‘man up’? You’ve clearly never truly grieved for anything or anyone. It’s not something you ever get used to, surely? Have you discovered the podcast Griefcast? It’s brilliant and I think you’d find it helpful. x

    • lizandtracey says:

      Oh thankyou for that. I did try grief counselling but I didn’t find it very helpful & only went the once. Maybe I went too soon. I’ll look out for the podcast , sounds like something I might get something from xx

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