July … what does it mean to you ?

For me it’s the start of a long hot summer [hopefully] alfresco ‘everything’ in the garden , weekends away, my best friends birthday.

It is also a painful reminder that in just a few days time, 2 years ago , my mum and best friend died.

July 10th at 3.40pm in palliative care with Dad & I sat by her bedside.

I’ll not lie I’m in a weird-ass mood

To the people who think I should man up and get on with it … “after all it has been 2 years now Tracey” [ Yes people have actually said that to me ] … I hope you grow to have a little compassion and understanding

Grief is a weird, complex journey. It is very different and personal for each one of us. I can’t just snap out of it, but please don’t think for one minute I sit suffocating in my own sadness and ‘pity-party’ because I really don’t.

I have unwillingly learnt to lead a life without my mum around. A little emptier maybe but my life is full of laughter, amazing friends, family , Mollie Dog , Frankie Cat … and plastic man called Kev [who has now upped ship and moved in with my friend Lisa]

There are plummeting lows but these are accompanied by terrific highs. That in part is thanks to my mum for loving me unconditionally, for bringing me up to be a strong woman . One of the last things she said to me is “you are my daughter and you are stronger than you ever imagined.”

And, as always, she was right.

I am.

I know social media [Instagram especially] is perceived as a place for positivity, a place to escape. If you have followed me for a while you will know I have always tried to make my ‘space‘ as real as I can without sending you into the realms of depression . I am like the bloody Shakespeare of social media!

Life is tiring enough without having to pretend everything is ok all the time ; because who am I trying to convince and more importantly why?

At this moment in time hand on heart I am happy but I am also carrying a sadness around with me. Maybe it’s not evident for all to see but if you look into my eyes they tell a whole different story

Right now I don’t know whether to stick the kettle on , walk the dog or burst into tears

Right now … I really want my mum

Tracey x

.

* Bracelet was gifted to me by Inscripture . It is engraved with my mums handwriting which was taken from a letter she wrote to me while I was away at college.