L I F E • missing Mum 4 years on

I don’t want this date etched in my memory but every year as July descends upon us it looms. It lingers quietly in the background but is loud enough to unsettle me – my cataplexy attacks become more frequent- which is understandable; it is afterall linked to emotion.

It’s a date I don’t want to remember but one I will never forget. On July 10th, 2017 at 3.30pm I said goodbye to my mum, my best friend, my biggest cheerleader . 

I would love to say that  the massive void she left gets easier , and I guess to a certain extent it does as in it’s not as raw – but I miss her with my whole being. I miss her energy , her laughter , her company. I miss her loving me. I miss our coffee dates that made mundane shopping trips to Meadowhall 100% more fun. I miss her dancing in shops and not giving a monkeys about who was watching. She’s the only lady I know who wore reindeer deeley poppers on her head for most of December, everywhere she went and managed to look normal. 

When she died a little part of me did too.

I hate referring to her in the past tense because she is at the forefront of everything I do, even after 4 years… 

I wish I had some words of wisdom but living with grief is an on-going process, one where there is no rule book . We all deal with it in our own way . Don’t get me wrong my life is ok.  Sometimes it is fabulous and sometimes it’s not so fabulous. There is laughter , always laughter and daft dancing and face pulling BUT nobody gets me quite like my mum did. 

Actually talking about our daft dances …  I kinda like to think I attributed to England’s win on Wednesday evening with my rain dance BUT make it an England win dance that I performed at half time. It had my BF rolling his eyes in despair but chuckling at the same time. That’s the part of my personality mum gave me ….the fun , slightly bonkers  ‘ are you sure your ok hun‘ side. I see her in me alot and I embrace it. I like to think she’s right beside me joining in. 

I know she’s out there somewhere , looking down on us, leaving little signs that she is watching. Those white feathers that appear from nowhere … it’s mum making her presence felt, making sure we are all ok .

I feel her .

I love her.

I hope I’m still making her proud 4 years on …

To the moon & back, always and forever 

Tracey x

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