Life goes on …

It’s been just under a month since we said our last goodbyes to mum.

Despite the boyfriends pleas that I don’t talk about it [ to the world that is ; he’s been a rock and is a great listener] apparently I am being morbid. I am single handily depressing and boring the blogosphere. I thought I’d go a head and do an update anyway .. on life.

Life after mum.  Continue reading

Jazz Hands & Cocktails … ‘Manhattan til Midnight’ 

Back  when I was a student studying art and design I did my thesis [ a long essay or dissertation involving personal research, written by a candidate for a university degree.] on jazz. 

I’d not particularly got an interest in jazz at the time. What I did have was an amazing tutor who sold the idea to me. Armed with books, tapes, vinyls and fully aware of my love of music he thrust them all at me and enthusiastically ran through his favourite artists – Jelly Roll Morton, Louis Armstrong, Duke Ellington, Ella Fitzgerald … stopping to play excerpts and slightly losing himself while doing so.

“I still love the whole history of jazz. The old things sound better than ever” – Steve Lacy

I can remember him sitting me down and telling me that writing a thesis could be boring ; a long hard slog. That the subject matter must therefore keep your interest. This [ jazz ] he said most definitely would.

I admired his passion. I wanted to understand , I wanted  a part of it.

And that [in a nutshell] my friends is how I discovered jazz music.  Continue reading

Goodbyes …

Today I thought I’d share my last tribute to mum with you. A letter I wrote that was actually read out at her ‘Celebration of Life Ceremony’ last Thursday.

People don’t tend to talk about these things and believe it or not I wasn’t going to share it  on here but my BF convinced me that I should.

I suppose in a way it is kind of fitting; you have shared this journey with us. You may even feel as though you knew mum from some of my stories I’ve shared.

I realise that for the past few months mum and her illness is seemingly all I have spoken about. It has in a way been like therapy for me. It’s seen me through.

While I will never ever stop talking about my beautiful mum I’m sure it will become less frequent… on here anyway.

The morning of the service itself was horrible; it rained, and rained and then some.

We woke up to no water courtesy of a burst water main , a bus jack-knived outside the house blocking our path out and then what should have been a 5 minute journey upto dads house took us over half an hour. I honestly  thought we would never get there.

We did . . . JUST!

The service itself was rather beautiful and uplifting . It wasn’t religious in anyway, something we all agreed on. It’s hard to believe in ‘anything’ especially after you’ve sat and witnessed Mum suffer and deteriorate the way she did towards the end.

Music came courtesy of Richard Clayderman ‘ Ballade Pour Adeline‘ , Bruno Mars ‘Talking to the Moon‘  , Eva Cassidy ‘Over the Rainbow‘ and D-Side ‘Real World

There was a very fitting poem ‘She is Gone’ with lots of time to reflect.

The rain even stopped.

So here goes . . .

 

Dear Mum,

On July 10th at 3.25pm you left us – after a long , brave fight you eventually let go. I was there by your side with dad, somewhere I feel I’ve always been.

At that precise moment my world turned upside down…

This letter is something I never thought I’d be writing, not so soon anyway. I write most days yet today I’m struggling to find the words. 

Thankyou for being the most amazing mum. THE BEST. You made it so easy to love you . I suppose that’s why it’s so extremely hard to let go, to say goodbye.

Goodbye is so final and I’m not ready. Continue reading

Things I should be doing …

There are a hundred and one things I should be doing. I have the time just not the inclination. 

Procrastination appears to be my best friend. That and cake.

It’s Mums funeral on Thursday and I need something to wear? I also need to get my hair cut and coloured and sort my skin out. Everything’s kinda got neglected as mums health deteriorated . I have an inch of grey at my roots , frazzled ends and stressed out spotty skin.

Don’t I just sound delightful.

I ordered a dress from Marks & Spencer’s last week. It’s nothing special. I thought it was black. It’s arrived and it’s actually navy.

We have since discussed and changed the dress code to colourful? [Mum was such a colourful charactor.]

The dress is still sat in the plastic bag waiting for me to try it on. I’m putting that off too. I’m not entirely sure it’s suitable anymore . I’m not sure navy has ever been classed colourful?

I’m dreading the funeral or rather ‘celebration of life‘ ceremony as we’ve renamed it. This is reflected in my total disinterest in sorting myself out. I don’t want to say goodbye as it’s all very final.

I also realise that until I say goodbye it will be hard to move on …

So with that in mind here’s said dress.

It ticks all the right boxes;  not too short, no cleavage on show and it covers my bingo wings!

Marks & Spencer’s Polka Dot Dress – £35.00

Continue reading

Little Steps …

As your probably aware it’s been a whole 4 days since I lost my beautiful mum. 4 days of walking around in a blur.

I’m trying to keep busy, not think too long or too hard. I mostly just feel numb and extremely sad. I cry randomly, my emotions are like a rollercoaster. I enjoy highs and I hit lows.

I want the world to stop. Why are people still laughing and enjoying themselves, don’t they realise my mums just died?  Why isn’t the nation in mourning? Everything is exactly the same as it was before only my mums not here ; my worlds been turned upside down. Nothing for our family will ever be the same again.

Everyday life doesn’t seem real, I have a constant ache in my stomach – it’s like I’ve been punched. I feel empty. Alone. Scared even … but as I’ve been told on numerous occasions “life goes on.”

So here I am, trying to ‘go on‘ little steps at a time … the only way I know how.

By writing.

By sharing …

I’ve started wearing mums wedding ring at all times, it brings me some comfort. She feels close.

I’m scared to death I’ll lose it so if you happen to bump into me and I’m constantly checking my right hand … it’s not some weird ailment. I’m just checking it’s still there.

Continue reading

The Slabb …

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz

I was sent some chocolate to trail a couple of weeks ago . I know, I know hard job but  somebodies got to do it !  It was quite literally like all my birthdays had come at once.

I’d love to say these ‘slabbs’ lasted a while, but truth be known we did them both in one night! The BF and I are total chocoholics BUT  that’s good going even for us…

I’m the kinda girl who hides chocolate all around the house , hoping I’ll forget where I’ve put it which will stop me eating it so quickly, if at all .  I never forget … never ever …not where chocolates concerned anyway. Car keys, pens and purse that’s a different story!

So let me introduce you … you never know you might find yourself up close and personal on the settee with a slab of your own very soon!

The Slabb is a brand of delicious fully loaded chocolate with something for every taste. I was sent two white chocolate bars: Continue reading

The Fab 40’s – DIY …

The Fab 40s are a group of over-40 seriously stylish ladies from all over the globe. Each month they pick a theme; create an outfit based on their interpretation [of said theme] and then share the results with us all over on their blogs.

What I love about all these ladies is they like to experiment ; they are not carbon-copies. Something I personally admire and try to aspire too myself. Who wants to look like everybody else?

Take inspiration but always make it your own. 

They take it in turns to pick a guest blogger to take part each month … and [drumroll] guess whose been asked to join in this time?!

Yep …only yours truly… little old me ! Ekkk excited much.

I was chosen by Diane the style blogger behind Fashion on the 4th Floor who I have been following for a while now. I adore her and her style. She always owns the look, has the biggest, infectious smile and is quite simply #fierce and very friendly.

I was both honoured and very, very surprised to be invited. So thankyou with all my heart you’ve made a lady from Yorkshire very happy indeed.

The Theme:

So I’ve got to admit I was a bit  like ‘oh oh this will be a disaster‘ when I initially heard that this months theme was DIY. Not for any other reason than I’m rubbish at anything remotely to do with ‘do it yourself!’

Like cooking … I’m rubbish / hampered /a disaster ! I am, as my mums says, cack – handed.

I’m from Yorkshire; we use funny terms of phrase around here . Let me explain.

Cack handed – an awkward or inept way of doing something; originally meaning left handed, stemming from cultures that use their right hand to eat and their left hand to wipe their behind.

“That shelf you put up looks a bit cack handed”

Continue reading