2022 for me was the year of regrowth. Regrowth back to ‘Tracey pre 2017’ – pre mum dying.
We all tend to get a little melodic at this time of year, recall the best bits, forget the worst. I find New Year’s a little sad. It’s like saying goodbye to a dear old friend, one that you aren’t quite ready too because it’s all going too fast; you want to hang on a little longer … though truth be known it’s been closer to another year passing for 364 days now. It’s like when you celebrate your birthday but you have been closer to that next birthday for longer than you have not. Yes you are a year older, but actually just a day older than yesterday. Am I making any sense?
I don’t make New Year resolutions because I tend to break them within a couple of hours; then get mad at myself, which is not healthy for anyone. It’s usually “I’m dieting”, or “I’m not drinking anymore” which I only feel I need to do because I have stuffed myself ridiculously & drank the equivalent of a brewery for the previous few weeks.
January 1st is a clean sheet, in most people’s minds a chance to start a fresh which isn’t a bad mindset to have I guess. But the days of wishing my life away, or making unrealistic demands on myself are over. I do, & will continue to try & enjoy something everyday, even if it’s as small as a good cup of coffee, a chapter of a juicy book , or photographing vagina trees in the local woods ( woods don’t have eyes, they have vaginas!) I know only too well that the rug can be pulled from underneath you when you least expect it. I’m not waiting for big occasions to celebrate little joys anymore .Mum dying made me realise we need to do that everyday.
When somebody close to you dies -part of you does too. Only you don’t physically die, you walk around with it – that ache in the pit of your stomach, a sadness. Sometimes the weight of your grief feels like you are carrying a rucksack, other times a purse. Your twinkle fades.You don’t look any different but their death changes you.
It has taken me 5 years to get to a place where I still hate that she is no longer around but one I think I finally accept. It’s kind of like coming to peace with yourself. So yes my word for 2022 although a little pouncy is ‘regrowth’. I’m not sure what next year’s will be but I welcome 2023 with open arms, a happy heart ,swinging on a snooker que maybe (who knows) looking forward to whatever it brings …
Happy New Year