I’ve been thinking about the past year and how surreal those past months all seem.
I’m thinking about life … and death. Especially death [ bear with me it gets lighter ] and how ‘weird’ it is to get your head around which may sound odd; but sometimes I have to remind myself that mums dead. I have such vivid dreams about her that some mornings I wake up and for a few minutes everything is like it was before. Momentarily my life’s complete again ; it’s more or less perfect.
It’s a bit of a different post from me today but it’s something I’m pretty passionate about .
Did you know that it takes 200 years for a plastic straw to decompose. You heard correctly two – hundred years!
That quite shockingly over 100 million marine animals are killed each year due to plastic debris in the ocean. Yep … one- hundred million!
In the UK only a third of plastic packaging used in consumer products is recycled each year, with almost two-thirds sent to landfill or incinerated
That’s a lot of big , worrying figures.
I sat and watched a programme just last week about plastic and the damage WE are inflicting on the planet .
My heart sank … and then broke a little .
I literally cried as I watched [ amongst other things ] pieces of plastic being flushed from a Shearwater Chicks belly. The chick was alive, the plastic doesn’t decompose it just sits in their stomachs leaving no room for food. Zapping their energy . Slowly killing them. That , that just wasn’t right. Over the last 50 years the Shearwater chick population has declined by a staggering 30%
To think we are partly responsible for destroying our planet makes me both very angry and extremely sad .
Morning ,
I’m posting something a bit different today …
Please bear with me and let me know what your think ; also let me explain.
I have mentioned this on previous occasions, so I’m sorry if you feel I am going over old ground; but there is not one day since we lost mum that I’ve not thought about her at some point . Sometimes it’s a fleeting memory and it disappears as quickly as it popped into my head. Sometimes my thoughts linger around for hours. Sometimes I remember and I smile , sometimes I’m reduced to tears.
We walk . I talk mostly . Mollie annoyingly stops every 2 seconds to sniff anything and everything [mainly other dogs bums] and my dad asks me for the 16th time “you have got poo bags haven’t you?”
Have I got poo bags?
I’m queen bloody poo bag
Today they are strategically stuck in the top of my pants. The jacket and trousers I’m wearing have no pockets , the bags are easily accessible via the top of my leggings. I show dad the corner of one of the them popping out . He just gives me ‘that’ look and shakes his head. Yes dad I have poo bags.
In-between the ‘chit-chat’ I talk about mum in an attempt to get him to open up more. Sometimes it’s awkward; I sense it makes him uncomfortable. Dad gets teary and quickly changes the subject … but today it’s somehow ok .
He tells me it’s their 51st wedding anniversary in a few weeks and we reminisce for a while. I love talking about mum. This pleases me.
Over the past months I’ve learnt to become ‘friends’ with my grief. That may sound ridiculous but for as long as I am around I never want to forget a thing about my mum . I want to keep her alive; to talk about her, remember her … that’s normal behaviour right?
I guess I can’t have one without the other so I welcome my emotions wholeheartedly ; I figure the only way to move forward is to let them wash over me any which way they choose – come and go as they please so to say .Be that in the way of tears , laughter or everything in-between.
I’ve found nobody talks about death ; how to deal with losing a parent . It’s a conversation nobody wants , so you muggle through the best you can. In the dark without a torch.
Grief has no pattern. It hits you at unexpected times and places . It can be short and quick – a fleeting memory that strikes you down [ remember Portuguese tarts in Sainsbury’s ] Sometimes it lingers and your stuck on an emotional roller-coaster for however long that ride decides to last.
I guess grief will become my norm. Just like breathing, eating and sleeping it will become routine…not always so raw, but always there bubbling underneath the surface.
So please bear with me I am still ‘healing and adjusting’ … at the same time please don’t ever tell me to get over my grief because that would be like saying get over your mum …
I pondered over these thoughts today with dad . He is used to me , I was a ‘deep’ child. I didn’t think I was making much sense to be honest , but he nodded his head in agreement, his eyes glazed over and he said
“If there’s one thing I’ll never forget Tracey it’s your mum … never ever … how could I ?…”
[ I smile and we carry on walking in silence for a few seconds]
“Now you did say you had poo bags didn’t you ?”
x
Hindsight is a great thing … unfortunately hindsight is just that …
hindsight
ˈhʌɪn(d)sʌɪt/
1. understanding of a situation or event only after it has happened or developed.
At the ripe old age of 47 I’ve lived a very full and eventful life . There have been amazing highs and devastating lows. I fell in love far too easily and in the process I kissed a lot of frogs ; turns out they don’t all turn into Princes.
While I’ve had a blast I’ve also made ALOT of mistakes and although I don’t think you should ever have regrets I do have a couple. Not taking the opportunity to audition for the weather girl position at my local TV station being one of them.
Which led me to reminisce ; muse about life [as you do] I have no complaints but if I had done things differently where would life have taken me? If I had the chance to talk to my younger self what 5 life lessons would I pass on .
I love Cornwall…
I , along with my Dad, Boyfriend and Mollie our dog , visited last September for the first time in a long, long time.
Our base was a beautiful house that belonged to ones of Dads friends in Carbis Bay. The views were amazing and on a good day you’d be forgiven for thinking you where in the Caribbean. Glorious.
As we had access to a car we took advantage and travelled around the area.
Amongst other places we visited Charlestown which was one of Mums favourite places in Cornwall. She and Dad spent quite a few holidays there. By themselves, with Nan and Grandad, with Dads brother and his family, who live down there.
It is situated on the outskirts of St. Austell on the south coast of Cornwall. It’s an unspoilt, purpose-built harbour. It’s been used as a film location for recent credits such as Tom Hardy’s Taboo and Poldark.
It’s definitely worth a visit if you’re in Cornwall.
Pretty pastel houses line and look down onto the harbour. There are various pubs and cafes to sit , rest your legs and take it all in… maybe indulge in a cheeky Cornish cream tea. There’s also a little pebble beach that DID let dogs on. [I say did, as a lot can change in a year.] The majority of beaches in Cornwall don’t allow them on so it was a welcome sight, especially for our giddy dog Mollie who adores beaches and swimming in the sea. I swear she was a fish in a former life.
Charlestown is a beautiful spot and it will always hold a special place in my heart as it’s where we said our final good byes to Mum.
My Boyfriend and I climbed the steep hill that looked out across the sea. We stood there for a moment to compose ourselves. We each said a few words then we threw her ashes into the wind.
With tears in our eyes we let her go.
We set her spirit free …
I hope you’ve travelled far mum; to the moon and back .
I miss you terribly but I hope you are finally at peace 💗
Tracey x
.
Further reading about our trip to Cornwall // HERE
I love a day at the horse races …
The buzz and excitement, the fabulous outfits, the fizz and of course the racing itself.
It’s a leveler too. No matter who you are, where you are from, rich or poor… you have as much chance of being a winner on the day as the guy stood next to you and I love that.
I’ve kindly been invited to Doncaster Races for the DFS Ladies Day at the William St Ledger Festival on the 13th September and I’m already a right giddy – kipper.
Of course for us ladies , especially on Ladies Day its all about THE OUTFIT.
A few weeks ago myself and a couple of local bloggers – Jenny & Carolanne – were invited to Coast in Meadowhall were we were treated to a VIP session complete with fizz and fancies. We basically got the whole place to ourselves with the chance to dress up in anything and everything that took our fancy.
I was like a child in a candy shop. Just call me Princess Tracey!
It’s funny how things change isn’t it?
I used to spend every Saturday morning having coffee and putting the world to rights with my Mum. We would sit and chat ; happy in each other’s company. I used to look forward to our few hours together. Talking about everything and nothing.
Mum & Daughter time 💗
Saturday mornings these days are spent with my Dad in Sainsbury’s . I take him for his weekly ‘big’ shop, to make sure he’s eating and to have a little chat as we wander aimlessly up and down the aisles.
While I’d move heaven, earth and more to turn back the clock and have a coffee with Mum, hear her laughter, see her beautiful smile, give her a cuddle … I kinda appreciate the time I’m spending with my Dad, even if it is only deciding which ‘ready meal’ he should have…
Life is a whole load of highs and lows, good times and bad . I guess we move through life adjusting to our circumstances … even when sometimes we don’t want too.
If there’s one piece of advice I could give you it’s this:
Thrive in the good times, make lots of beautiful memories and love unconditionally ; believe me these will help you get through the low and sad times .
If you’re really lucky you’ll find it brings you closer to someone you’ve known all your life …
Your Dad 💗
x
Today’s post is actually something I wrote on Instagram earlier but felt I wanted to share on here too …