That particular conversation cropped up a lot while my mum was dying . Her appreciation for the life she had led , although shorter than she [and we had hoped] still makes me fill up, overwhelmed by her strength and with love for her . In her own words “I’ve lived, I’ve laughed and I’ve had a bloody good time. Somebody could live to 100 and not have had as good a time as me“
Our last conversations sat holding her hand in palliative care – just the two of us – are so very precious to me; her words etched in my mind. No stone left unturned.
I will always treasure the look of delight on her face when she recalled ‘meeting’ the gang of elephants on the beach in Bali; the place she fell in love with … and with dad all over again by all accounts! Her stories of Las Vegas; how she cried everytime she witnessed the fountains dance. Reiterating I am my mums daughter – I’ve been known to cry at similar. Of the not so glamourous, manic weekends away in Blackpool with her friends. The stories are endless … Yes I can confirm my mum definitely lived an eventful, fun life.
Something clicked – it’s the awakening call I have needed. Her words floating into my head over the last few days . Me having to have ultrasound and transvaginal scans this week on my stomach and vagina. The dreaded vagina …the place they found cancer in my mum. The bastard cancer that eventually went onto kill her.
It all helps me gain back my perspective. I have felt like I’ve been drifting to nowhere. Perhaps that partly due to lockdown and the slow boring, repetative pace of life but I have been putting far too much effort into trivial things, letting little things niggle at me. Little shitty things that don’t matter in the big scheme of things.
Life IS short.
That all stops as of now!
I had the devil in me yesterday and today I’ve got a fire in my belly. I can hear my mum now ” that’s more like our Tracey !”
Live your goddamn life
Feck the haters and the trolls
I need to start chasing sunsets … not approval.
Embrace the ones that make you smile.
Surround yourself with sunshine people – as my friend Deborah [@manorqueenbeauty on Instagram] would say – NO mood Hoover’s !
Say ‘Sweaty Fecking Fanny‘ and if it offends people …well there’s no loss there . They aren’t my kinda people. [ this relates to a recent Instagram post incase you wondered where that one came from ]
Take pleasure in the small things . Take time to smell the coffee and feel the sun on your face .Be thankful to be alive and have yourself an amazing weekend.
Until next time,