LIFE | the walk …

We walk . I talk mostly . Mollie annoyingly stops every 2 seconds to sniff anything and everything [mainly other dogs bums] and my dad asks me for the 16th time “you have got poo bags haven’t you?”

Have I got poo bags?

I’m queen bloody poo bag

Today they are strategically stuck in the top of my pants. The jacket and trousers I’m wearing have no pockets , the bags are easily accessible via the top of my leggings. I show dad the corner of one of the them popping out . He just gives me ‘that’ look and shakes his head. Yes dad I have poo bags.

In-between the ‘chit-chat’ I talk about mum in an attempt to get him to open up more. Sometimes it’s awkward; I sense it makes him uncomfortable. Dad gets teary and quickly changes the subject … but today it’s somehow ok .

He tells me it’s their 51st wedding anniversary in a few weeks and we reminisce for a while. I love talking about mum. This pleases me.

Over the past months I’ve learnt to become ‘friends’ with my grief. That may sound ridiculous but for as long as I am around I never want to forget a thing about my mum . I want to keep her alive; to talk about her, remember her … that’s normal behaviour right?

I guess I can’t have one without the other so I welcome my emotions wholeheartedly ; I figure the only way to move forward is to let them wash over me any which way they choose – come and go as they please so to say .Be that in the way of tears , laughter or everything in-between.

I’ve found nobody talks about death ; how to deal with losing a parent . It’s a conversation nobody wants , so you muggle through the best you can. In the dark without a torch.

Grief has no pattern. It hits you at unexpected times and places . It can be short and quick – a fleeting memory that strikes you down [ remember Portuguese tarts in Sainsbury’s ] Sometimes it lingers and your stuck on an emotional roller-coaster for however long that ride decides to last.

I guess grief will become my norm. Just like breathing, eating and sleeping it will become routine…not always so raw, but always there bubbling underneath the surface.

So please bear with me I am still ‘healing and adjusting’ … at the same time please don’t ever tell me to get over my grief because that would be like saying get over your mum …

I pondered over these thoughts today with dad . He is used to me , I was a ‘deep’ child. I didn’t think I was making much sense to be honest , but he nodded his head in agreement, his eyes glazed over and he said

“If there’s one thing I’ll never forget Tracey it’s your mum … never ever … how could I ?…”

[ I smile and we carry on walking in silence for a few seconds]

“Now you did say you had poo bags didn’t you ?”


13 thoughts on “LIFE | the walk …

  1. Selina says:

    Hey Tracey, bumped across you through Dana and the red shoes…..
    Sometimes you’re just meant to see things I guess.
    A crappy week at work on top of my mums anniversary of 21 years. Some years it goes straight by without much of a thought and then sometimes it just hits you square between the eyes just like you suggest.
    Anyway your words are propelling me forward today as I sit on the bus on my way to work…. a Brit girl in Amsterdam.
    I have never struggled to talk about mum and will always do it even if the memories of our lives together creep further and further away….
    Thanks for the words and a new follow on this weird and wonderful world of technology and communication.
    Wishing you a day full of love and positivity

    • lizandtracey says:

      It’s Nice to meet you even if it’s under ‘funny’ circumstances. Dana is such a lovely lady isn’t she?
      I’m so Sorry to hear you’ve also lost your mum … 21 years I can imagine it ‘hurts’ just as much. Just over a year , for me, though not so raw I miss her every bit as much as I did back then.
      Thank you for popping across commenting and have a lovely evening .
      Tracey x

  2. joan says:

    Ahh lovely post Tracey you know you are spot on, embrace your feeling it makes it easier to cope. You will always carry your mam in your heart xx

  3. beereaderbooks says:

    I went walking with my Mum last week and we talked a bit about her Dad who we lost 20 years ago, we still miss him and talk about him especially on country walks because he loved those and passed on his love of them to us (& we do to my boys) and it made me think of this Christina Rossetti poem and I though I’d share it with you too…

    Who has seen the wind?
    Neither I nor you.
    But when the leaves hang trembling,
    The wind is passing through.
    Who has seen the wind?
    Neither you nor I.
    But when the trees bow down their heads,
    The wind is passing by.

    • lizandtracey says:

      Thanks for sharing this Gemma.
      I got all goosey when I was reading the poem. How beautiful.
      I think when your walking and you are at one with nature it’s when your feelings raise to the surface. I always feel Closer to mum 💗

  4. Laura says:

    I loved reading this Tracey, it made me feel both happy and sad and made me think of my own loss. I often brush it away rather than facing into it, but some days it feels more raw now than it did 27 years ago when it happened x x x x x

    • lizandtracey says:

      Thankyou so much for popping across and then commenting. I’m so sorry for your loss… I hope by writing down my musings it helps others and starts a conversation. Have a lovely evening xxx

  5. Allison says:

    As always Tracey you just get the words right. I think it’s true, you just learn to live with your grief but it’s just always bubbling under the surface. It will be 8yrs in November since I lost my mum and just this weekend there was stuff going on that just brought that feeling of missing her so much. For me it’s like a feeling of homesickness. You’re so right that nobody wants to talk about it and I think after all these years people assume i’m over it but I know I never will be. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. Xxx

    • lizandtracey says:

      Thankyou so much for popping across and then commenting. It really is appreciated .

      I’m So sorry to hear that you’ve also lost for mum it’s Something I never thought I’d have to deal With so young.

      I hope by sharing my thoughts it might help others and start people talking

  6. Linda says:

    Lovely words again. Saw pete on Friday. He looked well. Don’t ever stop writing about your mum even when it’s pain full. She will never be.forgotten by all the people who loved her x

    • lizandtracey says:

      Thankyou Linda. I don’t think I’ll ever stop talking about her. She’s not around but continually inspires me 💗 hope to see you soon xx

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