Life goes on …

It’s been just under a month since we said our last goodbyes to mum.

Despite the boyfriends pleas that I don’t talk about it [ to the world that is ; he’s been a rock and is a great listener] apparently I am being morbid. I am single handily depressing and boring the blogosphere. I thought I’d go a head and do an update anyway .. on life.

Life after mum. 

Firstly nothing seems real and I’m finding it hard to motivate myself to do anything . 

I’m constantly tired. If I sit down for 5 minutes I drop off for 10.

It feels like the only person who really ‘got me’ has gone and it makes me feel terribly alone.

Grief is a strange one. Nobody really prepares you for it basically because nobody really talks about it … only me apparently and I’m a boring old fart! 

People comment . It’s what we do. People talk but don’t always think? 

They tell me I’m bearing up well, that I don’t cry as much as they thought I would. This in turn leads me to worry that I’m not grieving properly. I question should I cry more? Am I coming across as though I don’t care?

What they don’t see is the girl who cries herself to sleep at night. The girl who has reoccurring nightmares and wakes up in a panic, sweating and calling out her mums name. The random tears that come  out of nowhere. 

They don’t feel the constant ache in my stomach; the one that yearns for my mum’s company – a conversation , a cuddle. Just to hear her voice.

What they do see is a smiley , happy girl. The one with the new fringe. One that sings daft songs to her dog. The one who still posts #OOTD on instagram, that jokes about her bingo wings and camels toe.

That doesn’t make sense? Her mum only died a month ago.

Like I say nothing makes any sense whatsoever. 

What exactly am I supposed to be? 

Mums  gone but I still feel her presence around me and while that’s a great comfort its also a major frustration. I want to see her physically.  I want to hold her hand and tell her how much I love her. I want to giggle over something only her and I would find funny. 

I smile yes , I also ache.

I miss her.

Somebody said the other day that they wish heaven ,like jail , had visiting hours. If only. I’d be there in a shot.

What I’ve learnt about grief is that there are no rules. It’s personal, it’s your own journey. It comes in waves. It’s like your swinging on the end of a yo-yo.

One minute your on a high and you feel ok. The next you hit a low and are reduced to a jibbering wreck. 

You can’t control it. 

It is what it is…

Up-down-up-down.

As a family we are doing ok, we hold each other up. Like a set of ‘Weeble-wobbles’ when one starts to totter over we catch them, set them straight again.

We are making do because basically we have no choice, that was taken out of our hands. Mum’s last words to us also ring in our ears. “Don’t cry for me for too long, please go and live your lives.

I’m not for one minute saying that this is going to be easy. We have lots of big hurdles to get over .

Birthdays , Christmas and what would have been Mum & Dads 50th wedding anniversary next month. That’ll be a tough one, as will Christmas.

Christmas without mum – unthinkable. Mum was Christmas.

I realise nothing will ever be the same again. This makes me so sad. 

I also realise that life does go on [ I wish I’d got a pound for every time somebodies said that to me ] and while it’ll be different it doesn’t necessarily mean it can’t be good.  

I kinda figure we have got 2 choices. We either fall to pieces or we pick ourselves up and fall together. 

I choose the later knowing full well it’s what mum would want, and we all know mum knows best …

 

Tracey x

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* linking up with #SaturdayShareLinkUp via notlamb.com

*linking up with #global-bloggers 

14 thoughts on “Life goes on …

  1. majeang says:

    That’s the thing about grief, you really never know how it will be until you’re in it. Or, sometimes when you’re out of it’s intense power. I truly am sorry for your loss and I selfishly think about my own mother who was recently diagnosed with stage 4 and the panic is very real. So please know that your process…your life story has been a great help to me xx

    http://www.majeang.com

  2. Julie Brierley says:

    There’s no right or wrong way. I lost both parents within 12 weeks of each other seven years ago and I still go to pick up the phone to tell Mum something or ask Dad to help with some DIY. People just think they need to offer advice. That icy ache inside where your heart is will melt. Slowly at first and then you will find yourself having a day when you genuinely do laugh without thinking about her. And that’s OK. Keep writing if it feels comforting. It’s a tool and you are good at it and you might help someone else on.the way. Xx

  3. josie1bee says:

    There is no right and wrong way to grieve, everyone copes in their own way. Losing my mum and dad within 10 months of each other, I grieved for each in different ways. Over 10 years later, I can still feel sad and miss them, but time is a great help. Treasure your memories of your mum, you’ll always have them. Be kind to yourself Tracey. Xx

  4. ourrachblogs says:

    Oh darling, I was so sad to see your Facebook update about your Mum passing away. I’ve been thinking about you. Sending you lots of love. Thanks for sharing with #GlobalBlogging

  5. A Lot of What You Fancy says:

    A beautiful blog,Tracey. I wanted to read it the moment I saw the tweet. I lost my Dad 11 years ago, aged 20. It will be the anniversary in a few days time. You’ll never stop wanting to pick up the phone or wanting to tell them sonething. Oh heck, I’m filling up. Sending you brave, strong wishes. Natalie x
    P.s. if this and the above isn’t engagement , I don’t know what is.

    • lizandtracey says:

      Thankyou Natalie, and sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. Such an awful time. I’ve gone to call mum a few times so far … it’s going to take a while and I miss her terribly.
      Thankyou for popping over and commenting. You take care , Tracey x

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