One year on …

I wasn’t sure whether to write this post . I fear I’m just going over the same old ground, repeating myself … but then that’s grief for you. You are constantly reliving moments , remembering and dealing with them. How you felt at the time. How you feel now. I guess that’s what it will be like forever … only maybe [ and hopefully] not so raw?

Firstly there is nothing pretty about death. It is what it is …

Death is an all-consuming sadness , it’s dark and it’s morbid. It’s feeling constantly sick and not being able to catch your breath. Death is final.

Our memories however… they don’t have to be. Our memories can be whatever we want them to be – fluffy, bright pink and vibrant just-like the person whose passed .

How’s that saying go…. “there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel”. I figure I’m still in my tunnel , bumbling around in the dark. Somewhere in the middle, scrapping away and searching for answers. I occasionally catch glimpses but mostly I’m still in darkness grabbing the light where I can.

On July 10th it will be a year … 365 days … 52 weeks … since we lost my mum. Vicious, beautiful, full of life. She was 72 and taken far too early .

Cancer is one cruel bastard.

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Dear Mum …

I’ve started writing this letter a couple of times over the past week. Truth be known I didn’t  really know where to start.

You know me …

Head like scrambled eggs. 

Tendency to ramble. 

I suppose the beginning would be a good place. Tuesday 15th December 1970 at 6.15am when I popped into your world [like a little ray of sunshine] and you held me in your arms for the first time .

The first time I met you Mum. That special bond was set. Though of course I didn’t realise it at the time !
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Walking back to happiness  …

I’ve rediscovered my love for walking and seen as I’ve stated several times [ on here] that this is the year I’m getting fit it couldn’t have come at a better time.

I’ve been  heading for Damflask Reservoir which can be found at Lower Bradfield, conveniently only a 5 minute drive from mine.

A little history if I may …

Damflask reservoir was constructed in 1867. It has a capacity of 1,123 million gallons and a maximum depth of 88 feet. [ though it’s very low at the moment ] Today it is also used by Sheffield rowing and sailing club and for fishing. Good trout I here.

It’s beautiful,my thinking place…  Continue reading

The Yes’s and No’s of Christmas …

Somethings bugging me and I need to get it off my chest …while I adore Christmas I don’t like the way its heading. Each year it feels less and less like Christmas and this worries and saddens me.

Lets think about it for a  minute…

Christmas trees, baubles and the like start popping up in shops as early as chuffing October; a whole 2 months before Christmas ( and far too early) The festive adverts aren’t far behind. Christmas is basically thrust in our faces and there is no escaping.

All that build up for the big day . The big day being Christmas day which quite honestly comes and goes in a beautiful  yet very quick flash. Continue reading

The Alternative Christmas List…(I’m really not after the Miss World title)

Its around this time of year that people start to ask me to compile my Christmas list.

I’m by no means a saint (far from it)  but I always tell them that I’m not bothered; to buy me whatever and to not spend a fortune?

When I was a kid I would  spend hours upon hours dribbling over toys from Kays catalogue making lists galore. Lists on top of lists. Now a days its not so important.

I’ve found recently that Christmas has been about a lot more than just pressies. Of course its always nice to unwrap something special but it’s not the be all and end all. Continue reading