It might seem weird I’m writing about it so soon, while it’s so raw but writing is my therapy and don’t they say whatever gets you through the night

I’m still in shock.

My  jaw aches because I must subconsciously be clenching it, my head is thumping and my throat is dry. I’m hungry but can’t stomach any food. Coffee is my best friend.

Monday is my day off , so as usual I took Mollie dog for a walk. I rang dad on my return . I rang a couple of times & cursed him because he wasn’t answering . He’d often leave his phone somewhere and forget were it was “ silly old fool” I’d muttered or something along those lines before telling Michael.

Both of us jumped in the car to go down to his flat and check everything was ok.

I was with my mum when she died. She was in palliative care and we knew she only had a couple of weeks to live . It’s not any easier losing someone like that , in fact it’s heart wrenching  but you do get the chance to say goodbye; tell them everything you want them to know (and vice-versa). Prepare yourself of sorts – but in all honestly nothing ever really prepares you .

She looked peaceful, she wasn’t in pain . It was as though she had just fallen asleep.

Dad was different – Walking into his flat this morning and finding him dead was something nobody should ever have to experience. Cold, stiff and alone. His beautiful piercing blue eyes staring blankly up at the ceiling, his mouth open.

I hope his death wasn’t painful.

There were no final goodbyes , no “I love you’s” Just guilt that 10 minutes previously I had cursed him for not answering his phone. Guilt as to why I had not called down Sunday night to see him. Maybe if I had … I don’t know , If ifs and ands were pots and pans.

The last time I saw my dad was Saturday dinner time.

Michael & I had called in mid morning, he wasn’t feeling great so we made him some dinner. Supped a couple of coffees together . Michael had spoilt him and come ladden with a bag full of treats – cakes and chocolate.
He looked happy perched on the settee, TV on reading his newspaper as we left.

He was due to move into his new flat next Saturday to be nearer to us.
He had lots of things to look forward too.

I kissed him on his forehead and said goodbye. I told him to make sure he ate all the chocolate and because he had no strength asked Micheal to open a Kit Kat bar for him.

I hope he enjoyed it, they were his favourite.

I didn’t realise it would be the last time I would speak to him, or see him alive. If I had known I would have held him a little tighter; told him what a great dad he’d been.

He died last night and I did non of that .

I hope he knew how much he was loved. How much I’ll miss his silly little smile x