Without Mum on Mother’s Day

It’s been a year of firsts.

Next Sunday it’s another.

It’s Mother’s Day , the first one without my beloved mum. I’m dreading it. I’ll be Mum-less on Mother’s Day. I don’t think I’ll ever fully get my head around the fact that she’s no longer here. It feels most days like I am living somebody else’s life …

I’ve tried to explain how I feel on numerous occasions … put it down on paper but it’s a hard one to describe. She’s gone and I still can’t quite accept it. I can’t physically see or touch her, talk to her, give her a cuddle but I can feel her presence ?

47 years of memories , albums full of photographs, a lifetime of laughter, my best friend . It’s as though she’s gone to live abroad… you know somewhere far away like Australia. She’s here but I can’t be with her. Does that make sense to anyone whose also lost someone ?

I often wake up in a sleepy daze, excitedly thinking I’ve got to ring Mum this morning; tell her something, arrange afternoon tea, plan our next adventure. Only to ‘come around’ and remember she’s not here. I still find it hard to type ‘she’s dead’ … after 7 months it still sounds too final . My heart sinks every time and momentarily I have to tell myself ‘ come on Tracey you’ve got this‘ sometimes I just lay there and I don’t want to get up.

Of course I always do, and I have [to a certain extent] got this . I do appreciate it’s still very early days , but I know I’ll never ever stop loving or missing her.

Some days are easier than others. I can go days , weeks even without tears and then out of nowhere they start and they don’t want to stop.

Music, certain smells , the nice lady at Sainsbury’s asking me if I was OK … certain Elvis songs have all been known to set me off.

If your Mums still around , appreciate , hold her, spoil her … because god forbid the day you can’t.

You’ll ache for one more conversation, you’ll crave one more cuddle because there is no other like it. She feels safe, she feels like home because that’s what your mum is. She is home …

Show your mum you love her … NOT just today but everyday. She brought you into the world , she nurtured and made you who you are. Mum’s they are just special aren’t they?

Sometimes I’ll say something or I’ll catch my reflection in the mirror and I hear /see glimpses of my mum. It momentarily takes my breath and then I smile…because Mum’s still there; she makes up part of me. I am hers and she is mine. I’m carrying little pieces of her around with me?

I’ve inherited her silly sense of humour and her mischievous ways. Just like Mum I’ve been known to pull funny faces at inappropriate moments, to laugh at the totally wrong time!

She didn’t suffer fools gladly. She was determined, strong, and a fighter. I’ve mentioned on numerous occasions that she had the most beautiful way about her . Kind eyes, a killer smile and an infectious laugh. She loved to dance.

She was and always will be my beautiful Mum whether she’s physically around or not.

I will always, always be proud to be Peggy Herrings daughter; her special little knobhead .My brother was her little chocolate solider … I think I got the short straw !! That was Mum all over.

I will treasure those memories.

I will carry her in my heart even on my darkest days as I suspect Sunday will be. I will remember, I will smile. I might even dance!

Always and forever …

to the moon and back

Tracey xx

18 thoughts on “Without Mum on Mother’s Day

  1. carterfamily4 says:

    Beautiful words Tracey, I can only imagine how you feel and as always your words move me. I can feel the same relationship I have with my mum that you had with yours. She sounds like an amazing lady and I’m sure she is with you every single day xxx

  2. Charlotte says:

    Oh Tracey,this has made me cry.Ive not lost anyone close to me and dread the day I do.
    I’m so so sorry for your loss.
    I see your posts on instragram and always think,you have the most beautiful smile that you’ve obviously imherited from your Mum.
    I’m sure you’re Mum was very proud of you as you seem such a joyful,kind and fun loving person.
    On Sunday think of your Mum Tracy,cry and dance but most of all Smile that imherited smile and remember the good times.
    Sending lots of love and hugs
    Stay strong!!Xx

  3. Sarah lucas says:

    Such true words. Lost my mum 6 years ago and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her.
    Doesn’t get easier, you just learn to come.
    Can still see her laughing, doing her hair in the mirror, blotting her lipstick, cooking in the kitchen…….many times I think of ringing her then seconds later remember I can’t. She was my best friend
    Big hugs xxxx

  4. Bean says:

    I’d been thinking about you this week, in the run up to Sunday and how this must be one of the toughest first’s yet.
    I totally relate to that feeling of someone ‘just being away, being abroad’…
    it’s gonna be a toughie, but you will get through this… she’d want you to.
    So as well as remembering all of the past, remember your mum’s love for you and your future. She’d want ‘all the happy’ for you.
    Lovely blog post xx

    • lizandtracey says:

      Thankyou so much Bean,
      Beautiful words that have made me fill up. Your right my mum would want me dancing & singing through the day … I’ll try my best , Tracey xxx

  5. josie1bee says:

    Beautiful words, your mum lives on in you, you are the spitting image of her. I know exactly how you are feeling (having lost both mum and dad in their mid 60’s, 10 months apart) but it will get easier, then suddenly it hits you again. I know this last year I’ve missed mum loads (although it’s now been over 10 years) after my granddaughter was born. But this year my own daughter will be celebrating her first mother’s day and for us the circle of life goes on. Take care.
    Love Joanne

    • lizandtracey says:

      Thankyou so much Joanne , it’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I can’t imagine ever not missing her but I do hope I can come to Some sort of peace with myself. Enjoy Mother’s Day with your daughter and grand daughter xx.

  6. Clive says:

    This will be the tenth Mother’s Day since I lost Mum – 15 May 2008. The reminders are always there, even after the initial rawness of your loss passes. Believe me, it will, but you will always have those memories to treasure. Take care amongst the commercial bombardment giving you unwelcome reminders.

  7. joan says:

    Oh Tracy I totally agree with every word you have written there. You don’t ever get over it you just learn to cope. I’m a mother myself but I hate mothers day 25 years on !!!! Your mam will live on though in you and your brother and you will carry her memory in your heart and no one can take that away from you. I will think of you this sunday and wish you all the very best lovely lady xx

  8. Lesley says:

    I lost my lovely mum three years ago, not a day goes past that I don’t miss her in some way. It doesn’t get easier, I won’t lie, it becomes a new way way of living, a different way of living. Just keep telling yourself that it’s just a Hallmark Day, that’s all it is. Sending you much love xx

  9. Jane says:

    Your post rings true so much. I too am a 47 year old Sheffield girl without a mum. Lost mum in February 2016 and mothers day is horrible. The run up to it always seems worse! I dread going in to the shops, listening to everyone make plans for the weekend. I feel like I’m a member of a club nobody wants to join!
    Been following you for a couple of months now…you make me smile, you are an inspiration and your mum would be so proud of you x x will be thinking of you on Sunday x x

  10. the40somethingbeautyblogger says:

    I feel your pain, I hate the build up to mothers day, the pressure is immense and nothing but a real pull on your heart strings. The first everything is always the worst. I constantly remind myself all it is is commercialism and it helps.
    But your mum will always be with you. She is in your veins, your head and your heart.
    She is in everything you think and you do just as mine is with me!
    Thinking of you this mothers day (((hugs)))
    Nicola xx

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