It’s been a year of firsts.
Next Sunday it’s another.
It’s Mother’s Day , the first one without my beloved mum. I’m dreading it. I’ll be Mum-less on Mother’s Day. I don’t think I’ll ever fully get my head around the fact that she’s no longer here. It feels most days like I am living somebody else’s life …
I’ve tried to explain how I feel on numerous occasions … put it down on paper but it’s a hard one to describe. She’s gone and I still can’t quite accept it. I can’t physically see or touch her, talk to her, give her a cuddle but I can feel her presence ?
47 years of memories , albums full of photographs, a lifetime of laughter, my best friend . It’s as though she’s gone to live abroad… you know somewhere far away like Australia. She’s here but I can’t be with her. Does that make sense to anyone whose also lost someone ?
I often wake up in a sleepy daze, excitedly thinking I’ve got to ring Mum this morning; tell her something, arrange afternoon tea, plan our next adventure. Only to ‘come around’ and remember she’s not here. I still find it hard to type ‘she’s dead’ … after 7 months it still sounds too final . My heart sinks every time and momentarily I have to tell myself ‘ come on Tracey you’ve got this‘ sometimes I just lay there and I don’t want to get up.
Of course I always do, and I have [to a certain extent] got this . I do appreciate it’s still very early days , but I know I’ll never ever stop loving or missing her.
Some days are easier than others. I can go days , weeks even without tears and then out of nowhere they start and they don’t want to stop.
Music, certain smells , the nice lady at Sainsbury’s asking me if I was OK … certain Elvis songs have all been known to set me off.
If your Mums still around , appreciate , hold her, spoil her … because god forbid the day you can’t.
You’ll ache for one more conversation, you’ll crave one more cuddle because there is no other like it. She feels safe, she feels like home because that’s what your mum is. She is home …
Show your mum you love her … NOT just today but everyday. She brought you into the world , she nurtured and made you who you are. Mum’s they are just special aren’t they?
Sometimes I’ll say something or I’ll catch my reflection in the mirror and I hear /see glimpses of my mum. It momentarily takes my breath and then I smile…because Mum’s still there; she makes up part of me. I am hers and she is mine. I’m carrying little pieces of her around with me?
I’ve inherited her silly sense of humour and her mischievous ways. Just like Mum I’ve been known to pull funny faces at inappropriate moments, to laugh at the totally wrong time!
She didn’t suffer fools gladly. She was determined, strong, and a fighter. I’ve mentioned on numerous occasions that she had the most beautiful way about her . Kind eyes, a killer smile and an infectious laugh. She loved to dance.
She was and always will be my beautiful Mum whether she’s physically around or not.
I will always, always be proud to be Peggy Herrings daughter; her special little knobhead .My brother was her little chocolate solider … I think I got the short straw !! That was Mum all over.
I will treasure those memories.
I will carry her in my heart even on my darkest days as I suspect Sunday will be. I will remember, I will smile. I might even dance!
Always and forever …
to the moon and back