Its been a funny old few weeks and while I dont want to go into chapter and verse because it is very personal. I think it is also important that I update you on a massive change in my life.
My partner and I have decided to call it a day after 4 years. Well I say we… it was my decision.It was by no means rash and was something I had been pondering for a long time. I would have broached the subject many months ago had my mum not been so ill. Mum battling cancer took over everything and became my be all and end all. My relationship, or lack of, took a back burner as regular visits to the hospital became the norm.
Thankfuly mum pulled through and is in the process of making a full recovery. Everything, including my beautiful mother,getting back to normal was the push I needed to tackle my relationship hang-ups.
I had a partner; we lived together with his 2 children (for part of the week) but the reality was I still felt terribly lonely. Sometimes it was as though I didn’t exist and it was just him and his kids. I didn’t feel loved and the cuddles and the kisses had stopped. Im an affectionate person who was getting zero attention. I walked around with a happy face ,almost too embarrassed to admit to the outside world or myself that this partnership was failing.We were more like best mates / sister and brother than lovers.
While mum was in hospital we had some deep, often heartbreaking conversations. The ‘dont wake up in 10 years time regretting something you should have finished (10 years ago) stuck in my mind. Im not sure whether mum had picked up on my unhappiness…her motherly sense had kicked in but her words hit home, played on my mind and made me question alot of things.Im not a put up and shut-up kind of person. I want passion, to feel alive, to be loved. I think everybody deserves that.
I have been by myself for a couple of weeks now. It’s far too quiet without the children; it feels strange. I sometimes feel a-bit lost but I know however in my heart of hearts it was the right thing to do.I’ve still got my 2 furry friends Lola and Frankie who keep me company by not doing a great deal. They make my empty little house feel like home. They fight for my attention, sit on my knee purring while looking at me quizzingly. No questions and at the same time no answers…
Yep, I feel guilty. I broke up a little family unit. Its not something I relish upsetting 2 small children. I never got to say good bye properly to them either, it was his way of punishing me. The guilt is something im working on and I figure that will take some time. The not saying goodbye hurt but its what happens when you break up.I hurt him, he hurt me…
Im up, Im down,I often feel alittle lost but I feel like a weights been lifted off my shoulders and I am smiling. I can’t say I’ll not be glad to see the back of 2014. It has been a shitter as they go. A year of massive changes – redundancy, coping with mums illness and now a failed relationship. That’s some CV!
I dont want sympathy ( a hug would be nice ) in my head I had moved on a long time ago .I am slighty dinted and alittle apprehensive but I’m excited. Excited to see where and who my life will lead me too next.
Life is too short to settle for second best and I will find my happy.
I hope you’ll join me as I turn the page and start the next chapter!
As they say you cant keep a good woman down for long …
Until next time,