I’ve been thinking about the past year and how surreal those past months all seem.
I’m thinking about life … and death. Especially death [ bear with me it gets lighter ] and how ‘weird’ it is to get your head around which may sound odd; but sometimes I have to remind myself that mums dead. I have such vivid dreams about her that some mornings I wake up and for a few minutes everything is like it was before. Momentarily my life’s complete again ; it’s more or less perfect.
As your probably aware it’s been a whole 4 days since I lost my beautiful mum. 4 days of walking around in a blur.
I’m trying to keep busy, not think too long or too hard. I mostly just feel numb and extremely sad. I cry randomly, my emotions are like a rollercoaster. I enjoy highs and I hit lows.
I want the world to stop. Why are people still laughing and enjoying themselves, don’t they realise my mums just died? Why isn’t the nation in mourning? Everything is exactly the same as it was before only my mums not here ; my worlds been turned upside down. Nothing for our family will ever be the same again.
Everyday life doesn’t seem real, I have a constant ache in my stomach – it’s like I’ve been punched. I feel empty. Alone. Scared even … but as I’ve been told on numerous occasions “life goes on.”
So here I am, trying to ‘go on‘ little steps at a time … the only way I know how.
By writing.
By sharing …
I’ve started wearing mums wedding ring at all times, it brings me some comfort. She feels close.
I’m scared to death I’ll lose it so if you happen to bump into me and I’m constantly checking my right hand … it’s not some weird ailment. I’m just checking it’s still there.
