ITS TAKEN A WHILE … Grief Diaries

It’s taken me 5 years to get to the point where I feel I want to ‘do’ Christmas again.

Mum died in 2017 and along with it so did my love for Christmas . My mum WAS Christmas. The lady who wore deely boppers on her head everywhere she went from mid November , with added tinsel wrapped around her neck like a fancy scarf in December.

When she died it just wasn’t the same.

The first Christmas after her death myself , dad and my brother went out for Christmas lunch to a posh restaurant in town. We ate all the food and made small talk . None of us really wanted to be there – we were just going through the motions . I came home and cried for what felt like a few hours and was in bed by 8pm. I just wanted it to finish and normal everyday life resume.

Over the years I’ve tried … but you know my heart just felt really sad. Christmas Day just reminded me of Christmas of the past when mum was around and the absolute joy she radiated. The quicker it passed the better.

Grief works in strange ways and it takes time.
Your OWN time – there is no rule book.
I am surrounded by good people and I never felt a pressure , and nobody pressured me to feel anything other than the way I did…

I’m not sure why, or how, or when but something has shifted and for the first time since 2017 I’m feeling a little excited by the thought of Christmas. ‘Miss Last Minute Sid 24th December Shopper’ has even bought her first present! That’s never been heard of.

Yesterday M asked me what I wanted for my birthday [ it falls the week before Christmas] and I knew straight away. To visit Chatsworth House at Christmas, tour the house and have cream tea.

Chatsworth House is beautiful but especially so at Christmas. You know I love my architecture / stately homes but most importantly [ and yes I am crying typing this ] it’s the place Mum and used to go at Christmas for my birthday. We’d have Afternoon Tea; enjoy the surroundings, the food ,the fizz and just being there together …

So we’ve boughts tickets .
I’m quite giddy thinking about it.
It’s little steps.
I might just arrive and cry …
But I’m feeling hopeful
I’ve even seen a fabulous pair of deely boppers with my name on.

Like mother, like daughter x

6 thoughts on “ITS TAKEN A WHILE … Grief Diaries

  1. Samantha says:

    Well I just read that and cried .. made me think is this how it’s going to be .. I have so many emotions right now and I’m so lost .. my mum passed in July and I can’t forget her last days it literally haunts me it was the worst days of my life and everything is there still the sounds the smell the feeling the things I saw .. she was my mum my world my best friend .. and reading what you have said and hit me hard 5 whole years .. that’s a long time .. can I really feel like this that long .. I’m scared il start to forget ..xx

  2. Mags Dew says:

    Your post made me smile and cry – I can totally empathise having lost my mum a year ago. My mum’s birthday was just before Xmas. Am dreading Xmas again this year but your post gave me hope for the future. I’m hoping you have a lovely visit to Chatsworth House and remember all the happy times there with your mum xx

    • traceydiaries says:

      Morning Mags,
      Thankyou for popping across and having a read .
      I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. Sending so much love and just remember there are no rules regards grief and firsts are always the hardest
      Tracey xx

  3. Diane West says:

    I’m sure you’ll have the most special day and whilst you’re there, you can raise a glass to your wonderful Mum x

  4. Joanne Betts says:

    I bet you’ll have a lovely day, smiling, laughing and crying, remembering old memories and making new ones ❤️

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