Little Steps …

As your probably aware it’s been a whole 4 days since I lost my beautiful mum. 4 days of walking around in a blur.

I’m trying to keep busy, not think too long or too hard. I mostly just feel numb and extremely sad. I cry randomly, my emotions are like a rollercoaster. I enjoy highs and I hit lows.

I want the world to stop. Why are people still laughing and enjoying themselves, don’t they realise my mums just died?  Why isn’t the nation in mourning? Everything is exactly the same as it was before only my mums not here ; my worlds been turned upside down. Nothing for our family will ever be the same again.

Everyday life doesn’t seem real, I have a constant ache in my stomach – it’s like I’ve been punched. I feel empty. Alone. Scared even … but as I’ve been told on numerous occasions “life goes on.”

So here I am, trying to ‘go on‘ little steps at a time … the only way I know how.

By writing.

By sharing …

I’ve started wearing mums wedding ring at all times, it brings me some comfort. She feels close.

I’m scared to death I’ll lose it so if you happen to bump into me and I’m constantly checking my right hand … it’s not some weird ailment. I’m just checking it’s still there.

In a vain attempt to cheer me up my lovely Mr treated me to some bits and bobs.

He’s a good-un isn’t he? A keeper. Of course he realises these will never make up for losing my mum [ nothing ever will ] but they raised a big smile and a good old pamper is always good for the soul…

As well as a whole load of products from Merumaya, which he knows I love. He also treated me to some stuff I’d not used before.

I’m strictly  a Tom Ford ‘Black Orchid’ lady but this perfume from Valentino ‘Donna’ smells totally divine, and just look at that sexy bottle.

A mixture of some of my favourite scents  … Bergamot [ I adore Bergamot] , vanilla and patchouli – it is deliciously delicious.

Dare I say my new favourite.

A new chapter of my life calls for a new perfume.

Sorry Mr Ford.

A 50ml bottle retails at around £65.00 // HERE

Lip scrub… who knew it was a thing !? This selection of  scrubs from Pura Cosmetics are lush. I’ve got 4 in total. I’m not sure I actually need 4 but hey he’s a man, more the merrier and at-least he tried.

They are [in his defense] all different flavours. With names like Prosecco Bubbles, Revitalising Raspberry and Pina Colada who could resist?

You simply apply a little of the crystals to dry lips, rub lightly and remove any access. I use my tongue to remove ! I’m not sure your supposed too but it tastes so good.

They leave your lips feeling buffed and full with any little dry flakey bits rubbed away.

They retail at around £4.00 each so are an inexpensive treat.

My favourite below 💋

The lip balm again from Pura Cosmetics was actually bought as a little jokey gift for mum. Unfortunately she never got around to using it. Gin and Tonic was her absolute favourite tipple.

I’ve claimed it; every time I use it I’ll think of mum.

Again it’s cheap, cheerful and it works [£2.50]. I’m not sure it tastes like a G & T but hey ho, it’s the sentiment I like.

Tomorrow I’m going upto mum and dads house for the first time since we lost mum. That’ll be tough.

We’ve also booked her funeral or rather ‘celebration of life‘ ceremony. Funeral sounds so stuffy and depressing, everything our mum wasn’t. Mum was vibrant, mum loved life.

It’s on Thursday.

To say I’m dreading it is an under statement.

We talked a lot before she died. We didn’t want any stone left unturned. She asked that I write something fitting ” my big, beautiful, brave girl give me a good send off, do me proud” she said ” no tears, just happy tears

No pressure there then mum.

Not for the first time this week my minds a blur. I’ve no idea where to start. Blank. How to sum up the most special bond and love we shared in just a few sentences?

As always from the heart would be a good place.

Little steps Tracey, little steps …


* Linking up with #SaturdayShareLinkUp with NotLamb

*Linking up with #Postsfromheart with Mummytimestwo

22 thoughts on “Little Steps …

  1. wigglewhenyouwalk says:

    So sorry to hear you lost your Mum. It sound like you were very close and your love and pain are evident in your writing. There really are no words that are going to give you any comfort. I lost my Mum 12 years in August. We weren’t close, she had mental health issues that prevented her from really being a Mum or forming proper relationships but it still left a big hole in my life. Take care of yourself over these next few days & weeks xx

    • lizandtracey says:

      Thankyou for popping across. Losing mum is single handily the worst thing to ever happen to me. Grieving is the weirdest thing … I’m sure your body puts walls up to stop you hurting too much. I’m up and down but thankyou xx

  2. Jaq says:

    As everyone else says , write from the heart in celebration of your mum, your love as mother and daughter. If you look back over your blogs and Instagram moments some words may already be there, planted deep within you. I personally found that by the time I sat down to write for my mum the words flowed- I knew them almost off by heart , it seems I’d been rehearsing them from the last few days I’d sat with her knowing I was losing her, in the days I walked around in a blur organising her service, until the very moment I had to commit to paper knowing I had to properly say goodbye to her body, never to her love that goes on living on in me. Breathe slowly as you can, write the lovely honest things you always do, then if possible go somewhere outdoors or a large room you don’t know well, to say them out loud before the actual service. Take care, keep touching the ring, she’s with you every moment. X

  3. Clive says:

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m sure you’ll find the right words – they’ll flow naturally from your heart. Stay strong x

  4. Bean says:

    Aw Tracey – it’s so hard to read this and I feel your grief deeply. I get affected by others pain easily – you’re doing just brilliantly with your little steps xx

  5. Sue says:

    You are not alone, you are a strong woman. You will find the right words, you always do! You may need help saying them on Thursday and I wish I was there with you
    Dad needs you to go round tomorrow with your kissable 💋lips. What a star x

    • lizandtracey says:

      Thanks Sue… oh I’m not reading the letter out I’m leaving that to the minister person. Far too much pressure and I talk fast at the best of times!
      Tracey x

  6. teacuptoria says:

    So sorry to hear you’ve lost your mum. I can hear huge love and affection in your writing. It sounds like you had a special relationship and I hope your memories will provide some comfort at this sad time. You’re right…little steps, one day at a time until it gets easier. . Xxx

  7. poutinginheels says:

    You’re doing her proud already my love. A beautifully written post, honest and raw and really quite something. I’m so so sorry for your loss Tracey and really wish I had better words of comfort or wise words to offer to you at this time but sadly there aren’t any of course that will do your grief and love justice. So all I can really say is that I am thinking of you and sending love as always. Kate X

    • lizandtracey says:

      Thank you Kate, such a lovely message. I’ve made sure dad and my brother are ok today. They seem to be. I also wrote the piece mum requested for the service on Thursday at 4.00am this morning ! I’m very pleased with it which is a massive weight of my shoulders as I want to do her proud. Thanks again Tracey xx

    • lizandtracey says:

      Thankyou Josie , I wrote it at 4.00am this morning. I’m really pleased with it. Yay!! I want to do mum proud so it’s a massive weight off my shoulders xx

  8. Jan says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s 4 years since I lost my beautiful mum and I think about her constantly. She was my best friend. We shared so many fun times. I totally get you about life going on all around you because that’s exactly how I felt. I think I cried every day, usually when I was on my own driving to work, for a year. Not only will your mum be proud of you for giving her a ‘good send off’ but it will also give you some comfort. Enjoy your little treats and take care x

  9. Tracey says:

    Such a beautiful post Tracey and I know you’ll find the perfect words to say at your mum’s Celebration of Life. Baby steps my lovely friend xxx

    • lizandtracey says:

      Thankyou Tracey, I actually wrote it at 4.00am this morning ! I’m really pleased with it too. That’s a huge weight off my shoulders as want todo her proud . Thankyou again xxx

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