As your probably aware it’s been a whole 4 days since I lost my beautiful mum. 4 days of walking around in a blur.

I’m trying to keep busy, not think too long or too hard. I mostly just feel numb and extremely sad. I cry randomly, my emotions are like a rollercoaster. I enjoy highs and I hit lows.

I want the world to stop. Why are people still laughing and enjoying themselves, don’t they realise my mums just died?  Why isn’t the nation in mourning? Everything is exactly the same as it was before only my mums not here ; my worlds been turned upside down. Nothing for our family will ever be the same again.

Everyday life doesn’t seem real, I have a constant ache in my stomach – it’s like I’ve been punched. I feel empty. Alone. Scared even … but as I’ve been told on numerous occasions “life goes on.”

So here I am, trying to ‘go on‘ little steps at a time … the only way I know how.

By writing.

By sharing …

I’ve started wearing mums wedding ring at all times, it brings me some comfort. She feels close.

I’m scared to death I’ll lose it so if you happen to bump into me and I’m constantly checking my right hand … it’s not some weird ailment. I’m just checking it’s still there.

In a vain attempt to cheer me up my lovely Mr treated me to some bits and bobs.

He’s a good-un isn’t he? A keeper. Of course he realises these will never make up for losing my mum [ nothing ever will ] but they raised a big smile and a good old pamper is always good for the soul…

As well as a whole load of products from Merumaya, which he knows I love. He also treated me to some stuff I’d not used before.

I’m strictly  a Tom Ford ‘Black Orchid’ lady but this perfume from Valentino ‘Donna’ smells totally divine, and just look at that sexy bottle.

A mixture of some of my favourite scents  … Bergamot [ I adore Bergamot] , vanilla and patchouli – it is deliciously delicious.

Dare I say my new favourite.

A new chapter of my life calls for a new perfume.

Sorry Mr Ford.

A 50ml bottle retails at around £65.00 // HERE

Lip scrub… who knew it was a thing !? This selection of  scrubs from Pura Cosmetics are lush. I’ve got 4 in total. I’m not sure I actually need 4 but hey he’s a man, more the merrier and at-least he tried.

They are [in his defense] all different flavours. With names like Prosecco Bubbles, Revitalising Raspberry and Pina Colada who could resist?

You simply apply a little of the crystals to dry lips, rub lightly and remove any access. I use my tongue to remove ! I’m not sure your supposed too but it tastes so good.

They leave your lips feeling buffed and full with any little dry flakey bits rubbed away.

They retail at around £4.00 each so are an inexpensive treat.

My favourite below 💋

The lip balm again from Pura Cosmetics was actually bought as a little jokey gift for mum. Unfortunately she never got around to using it. Gin and Tonic was her absolute favourite tipple.

I’ve claimed it; every time I use it I’ll think of mum.

Again it’s cheap, cheerful and it works [£2.50]. I’m not sure it tastes like a G & T but hey ho, it’s the sentiment I like.

Tomorrow I’m going upto mum and dads house for the first time since we lost mum. That’ll be tough.

We’ve also booked her funeral or rather ‘celebration of life‘ ceremony. Funeral sounds so stuffy and depressing, everything our mum wasn’t. Mum was vibrant, mum loved life.

It’s on Thursday.

To say I’m dreading it is an under statement.

We talked a lot before she died. We didn’t want any stone left unturned. She asked that I write something fitting ” my big, beautiful, brave girl give me a good send off, do me proud” she said ” no tears, just happy tears“

No pressure there then mum.

Not for the first time this week my minds a blur. I’ve no idea where to start. Blank. How to sum up the most special bond and love we shared in just a few sentences?

As always from the heart would be a good place.

Little steps Tracey, little steps …

x

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