I’m having a ‘lost my mojo blogging’ moment.
Some days I wake up and I know exactly what I’m going to write about. I’m full of inspiration and I want to share it.
I’m thinking maybe I’ll write about Lola my beautiful cat I lost over a month ago ( some shithead knocked her over and chucked her in a bush)
Then I’m thinking shall I wing it and just ramble .
I’m winging it a lot lately. Direction … I need direction.
So let’s talk about my mood …
I’m putting it down to something that happened last week , something that totally knocked my duck off.
It doesn’t matter what or who it was and I don’t really want to name names. It was a meeting (of sorts) which went a bit pear-shaped. How I didn’t just stand there and cry is beyond-me …
I never want to find myself in that position again!
It left me thinking alsorts of negatives about myself – am I good enough? am I wasting my time ? am I playing at it?
I’m 45 and still sorting my shit out.
For some one who suffers from lack of confidence it’s not a good place to be.
Although I’m still cringing , albeit not as much, it has made me re-assess.
In future before agreeing to do something I will make sure I’m 100% comfortable with it. If I’m not then I shall say no. My instincts are usually correct so I should follow them.
As for the blogging at 45 and sorting my head out well that’s one for me to figure out.
Age has never bothered me. I’m 45 and I’m healthy. Life is really good. Ok I have a stupid condition that makes me fall down when I laugh but its also makes for a great topic at parties!
People often pull a ‘really at your age’ face when I tell them that amongst other things I blog. I figure that’s more their problem than mine. I’ve always loved writing and being an open book … what can I say – I’m a sharer.
The main reason I started blogging back in 2012 (it was a slow burner) was to show people that life didn’t end at 40 . That we still mattered and had a voice.
We were relevant.
I have however always been a worrier and it bothers me that I’m bothered about what others think of me. Even people I’ve never met.
My BF who has known me for over 20 years still can’t believe how much I’ve calmed down. He’s always commenting on the fact that as a feisty 20 year old I’d have told anybody and everybody who ever questioned me to ‘do one’
What can I say I’ve mellowed with age, I’m not as angry with the world. Anger management through my last job might also have something to do with it !
That or maybe I just can’t be arsed.
I realise I have this over-whelming need to be accepted which I am working on. I’m trying to care less what people think.
Take my Instagram account for example.
I used to post a lot of landscapes and churches. I love a good landscape and have a strange fascination with churches. On more than one occasion I found myself in a church yard at dusk, trying to capture the perfect shot while giving myself the willies as I imagined the dead arising!!
So anyway I digress…
I didn’t personally go on Instagram to look at scenery & churches myself. I headed for my favourite fashionistas and foodie posts. My all time favourite being Rosie ‘The Londoner’ who posted both.
I still added scenic views etc. but I started to post more fashion posts (and cake). I got more from it and I started to interact with like minded people . The sort that dribble over a blouse, as equally as they do a sponge finger.
I lost a lot of followers who obviously didn’t like my change of direction (or my awkward poses and dress sense) .
I felt like I’d let them down? It’s silly isn’t it. It’s just harmless pics … why had I let them down?! Why can’t you share both? People are sometimes too precious about things.
With the fashion posts came the sarcastic comments.
One lady who had been a follower since day one; who I had chatted too on numerous occasions , decided out of the blue to comment on an #ootd post. She wrote ” bravo you can get dressed all by yourself … ” or words to that effect, followed by little applauding hands. She then un-followed and blocked me.
Yep things like that hurt, but I’m working on not letting them. She could have said a hell of a lot worse things – ” hey you fat goofy pig you look awful ” for one…
I still get the odd negative comment, surprisingly a lot from old men with beer bellies, no hair or dress sense, which makes me giggle.
Which got me thinking do my outfit posts really wind people up that much ? really ?? Nobody was so rude about my church piccies…according to my BF probably because they’d nodded off out of boredom!
Ok I’m no fashion expert and I never claimed to be.
I just like what I like and wear what I feel like on a particular day. I’m not preaching or telling you what to wear. God forbid…. you’d all be dressed like bag ladies! I’m just documenting and sharing … documentating and sharing.
In ‘real life’ I’m more often than not found singing “Mollie the Moonpig ….she is a Moonpig dooooggggg “ to Mollie my much confused dog (she thinks she’s a moon pig) in some obscure pulled together outfit, over in the woods.
As for my face or as mum calls it my ‘sucking lemons’ expression… I can’t do much about that!
In conclusion …I think, I think about things too much! ….and I can’t half ramble. I do feel much better for getting that out there and out of my system though?!
I’ll be back later this week with my mojo back in tack and much more composed hopefully.
I’m planning a little fashion post, a beauty post (I’m trailing some skin care) and a post about regression.
Yes I’m getting bloody regressed on Friday!
Who was I in a previous life?
What was I ??
I’m advised by the expert that we never mix forms ; so a human can’t come back as an animal and vice versa…
Lucky that or I’d have laid money that I was a pig, an ox or such the like.
It’s mind blowing stuff and I’m not quite sure what to expect… but I’m very excited.
I will report back.
Until then ,
Princess Tracey of Paris xx (a girl can but dream)